I'm baaaack

Sorry I've been MIA guys... been a crazy week and a half! Last Wednesday, while I was in my doctor's appointment, discussing the switch to the modified fast, my sister Jaimie was having her 38 week doctor's appointment with her OB. Turns out her blood pressure had sky rocketed over the week after her last appointment and she had preeclampsia. She was transferred over to the birth center at Rex for testing and observation but less than two hours later, they had decided to induce labor. The rest of my Wednesday and also Thursday were spent at the hospital waiting for the arrival of Miss Allison Charlotte Francis. They ended up having to take the baby by c-section at 8:30 on November 5. She weighed 5 lbs and 14 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Jaimie suffered some complications post delivery and had to stay in the hospital a little longer than normal but was released on Monday evening. Ever since Wednesday, I've been only back and forth between the hospital, work, home, Jaimie's house. I've been eating whatever, whenever; no concern about calories or anything. And I'll be honest, it has been mostly fast food.

Now that things are slowing down some, I am going to get some grocery shopping done tomorrow and prepare to start the "modified fast" on Monday. Basically, it's 2 shakes (or 1 shake and 1 food supplement), 3 cups of vegetables, and 6-7 oz of protein. There is a whole list of approved proteins and vegetables. Also, there is this soup recipe that I can make and I can have as much of it whenever I want so that should help some with the cravings.

So that's where I've been and I should be posting more regularly from now on...

Hope all is well!

Cheers!

The Sound of Silence

Silence. Yes, that's what this blog has heard from me in the last week. The sound of failure is the sound of silence. I keep falling and cheating. I have been really low on willpower. I am supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow (rescheduled from Monday) and I'm sure that if I have lost ANYTHING, it's maybe 1 or 2 lbs since before I left for Disney. I'm struggling with the fact that all social gatherings revolve around food, that I am sick of not being albe to just eat when I feel like eating, sick of not being allowed real food, frustrated that I can't enjoy the 3 bottles of wine that I brought back from FAWF... and that has all kind of built up and made me rebellious and defiant about the diet. Not good. So... what am I going to do about it?

I'm going to ask the doctor to switch me to modified fast tomorrow. It's going to be more challenging in some ways, the weight loss will be slower but I think it's the only way I am going to be able to have real food every day and not beat myself up for it.

I also start therapy on Friday. I've got to start dealing with my mental issues surrounding food, weight, etc.

I hope those changes, combined with a surge of will power (which I will muster up!!!) that I should be able to be more successful.

Ta ta for now... I'll post after my weigh-in tomorrow morning.

Starting on Monday....

It's been a rough few days, which is why I have not posted. I have been very ill with the flu and if I still have a fever tomorrow, then I am going to the doctor. I am going to try like hell to make it into the office tomorrow mainly because I am sick of being in my house. I fell off the wagon mid-day Friday because I was so sick and exhausted. My logic being that 500 calories was no way to get well. I haven't had much of an appetite but I did eat some comfort foods and I had some soup and OJ, which I firmly believe to be key to getting well. I am feeling a little bit better though and I am bound and determined to start fresh tomorrow and fast for the next couple of weeks.

I'll let you know tomorrow if I have H1N1! In the meantime, please enjoy my favorite dieter's poem written by Judith Viorst

"Starting on Monday"

Starting on Monday I'm living on carrots and bouillon.

Starting on Monday I am bidding the bagel adieu.

I'm switching from Hersheys with almonds to guant and anemic,

And people will ask me could that skinny person be you.

I'll count every calorie from squash (half a cup, 47)

To Life Saver (8), stalk of celery (5), pepper ring (2),

Starting on Monday.

Starting on Monday I'll jog for a mile in the morning.

(That's after the sit-ups and push-ups and touching my toes.)

The gratification that I once used to see in lasagna

I'll find on the day that I have to go buy smaller clothes.

I'll turn my attention from infantile pleasures like Clark Bars

To things like the song of a bird and the scent of a rose,

Starting on Monday.

Starting on Monday my will be stronger than brownies,

And anything more than an unsalted egg will seem crude.

My inner-thigh fat and my upper-arm flab will diminish.

My cheeks will be hollowed, my ribs will begin to protrude.

The bones of my pelvis will make their initial appearance-

A testament to my relentless abstention from food,

Starting on Monday.

But Tuesday a friend came for coffee and brought homemade muffins.

And Wednesday I had to quit jogging because of my back.

On Thursday I read in the paper an excess of egg yolk

Would clog up my vessels and certainly cause an attack.

On Friday we ate at the Goldfarbs. She always makes cream sauce,

And always gets sulky if people don't eat what she makes.

On Saturday evening we went with the kids to a drive-in.

I begged for a Fresca but all they were selling were shakes.

On Sunday my stomach oozed over the top of my waist band,

And filled with self-loathing, I sought consolation in pie

And the thought that Onassis could bribe me with yachts and with emeralds

But still I'd refuse to taste even a single French fry....

Starting on Monday.

Obviously, that is circa the late 60's- in fact my autographed copy is dated 1971 but even though the diet foods have changed, the eternal struggle to diet has not!

Update- it was water weight!

Lost the 2 lbs that I was showing on the scale yesterday! Which means it was water weight and that I didn't gain anything back on vacation! Yay!

Left a message for the doctor though; think this might be swine flu.

Urine or your out!

Man guys- back on day 1 of this round and I forgot how much I have to pee! I think I have used an entire roll of TP today!! And I'm starving! It's like starting the first day all over again. The good thing about being sick is that I don't have the energy to get up and feed myself so I'm overcoming the temptation. Yes, folks, that's right, after 5 perfect days in WDW, I am sick with a bad cough and fever. I worked from home today and will again tomorrow so as to not pollute my co-workers. That means I get to use the actual blender to make my shakes which is much better than using that stupid $10 hand mixer (aka a cup that you shake) that they sold me at the doctor's office.

So food wise on my Disney trip, I think I did okay. I had some fried foods and a philly cheesesteak which I had been craving badly but with all the walking, it appears that I only gained back 2 lbs and I think that's water weight because my fingers were all fish-stick like after the plane ride. I also didn't drink nearly enough water because it was like $3/bottle! I also fell in love with a new wine (thank you Food & Wine Festival) and brought home 3 (signed by the owner of the vineyard) bottles- that I can't drink!! Way to torture myself huh??

All in all; feeling good about how I did on the trip. The food didn't even seem to taste as great as I remembered it. Maybe I won't miss it so much this time around.

Thanks everyone for your support!! If I can make it through today, I can make it through tomorrow. And, as Andi says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!"

Gotta go pee... AGAIN

A quick one

Today has been a mad scramble to get all my work done, get the pets and house ready for me to leave them for 5 days, work in a doctor's appointment, errands and the most important- a brow wax!

According to the doctor's scale, I am only down 10 lbs, which is what I was down on my scale as of Saturday. I am taking this to mean that my menstrual bloating is offsetting my true actual fat loss. My mom said I should just assume I've lost another 2-3 lbs and I like her way of thinking. And if I think like that, then I reached my Disney weight goal.

I leave in the morning and I'll be eating again but also walking and still drinking lots of water so I'm hoping to come back and weigh no more than I did on the doctor's scale this morning.

Thanks everyone for getting me through the last 12 days! It's been tough and I'll be back to the grind- and the blog- on Thursday!

Would it be cheating if...

I gorged myself on laxatives to purge what ever I have in my system right now so that I could weigh the lowest amount possible for my weigh-in tomorrow??

Just kidding!! But seriously, I really believe that my menstrual bloating is going to cause me to show more on the scale then I would if I wasn't at this stage of my cycle. It's not fair. I've worked so hard and if it doesn't count because of my reproductive system then I might be forced to sign up for a hysterectomy!

But... in other, more wonderful news, I put on a pair of work pants this morning, that I hadn't worn in about a week and a half, and they were actually loose! I feel like that gets me off the hook for eating the Bojangles last night and it also motivates me to keep going on this journey.

I was down 7 lbs at my last official weigh in and then I weighed myself at home 3 days later and I was down 10. I am hoping that tomorrow shows a total of 12-15 lb loss. That would be a great way to start off my trip to Disney!

I'll shout out the numbers tomorrow. Good night all!

I let myself down and also you

I fell. Hard. I just indulged in Bojangles. I will beat myself up the rest of the evening and try to live right again tomorrow.

Deeelish!

I had the smallest portions of turkey, stuffing, gravy, fresh green beans and a roll. Mrs. Smisson is an awesome cook! I couldn't have eaten way more but kept it in check. I feel really good right now. The doctor warned me that eating real food could make me hungrier but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am going to keep drinking water until bedtime though- just to make sure I don't feel any hunger pains.

Climbing back on the wagon tomorrow and feeling totally in control of the reigns...

Miss Manners

Good day all! Aside from my nasty cough, it really has been a great day! I haven't had any cravings at all; it's been an easy one. I am going to "jump off the wagon" for one meal today though. My friend's mother wants to make me and all of his other friends a home cooked meal before she leaves to head home, as a "thank you" for helping take care of him last week. I feel like, based on the circumstances, it will be okay to eat this meal and would actually be rude if I refused it. I'll only eat small portions though and fill up with a ton of water before hand. I'll post later and tell ya how it works out...

What day is this?

I have lost count! I think this is day 8- I don't know, nor do I care. I am sick. I have a cough and chest congestion and it hurts to talk. The food addict in me believes that my grandmother's matzo ball soup or Heather Monsees' home made chicken noodle soup would make me feel oh so much better. But the diet doctor's nurse assures me that I do not need to modify my diet to get well. She said that I get enough vitamins and nutrients in my supplements so I don't need chicken soup or orange juice. I feel this is a bunch of BS. They give me enough vitamins and nutrients to sustain a normal, functioning body- not a body that is working hard to fight a virus! On top of this urge to drive to Gramma Sophie's and rifle through her freezer, looking for the frozen chicken broth cubes (I know she has 'em in there!), I am also craving junk. Just straight up junk. I have PMS and I want a philly cheesesteak. I want a steak burrito bowl from Chipotle. I want Kung Pao chicken from Imperial Gardens. The forces are against me!!!!

I tried the chicken soup packet tonight and aside from having a weird scummy feeling to it, it wasn't bad. I pretended it with was Heather's chicken soup with every slimy spoonful. It didn't work- it didn't make me love the soup, instead it might have made me believe that Heather's soup is sludge ;-)

I need some cheering this week - I need it bad!! I need to get through 4 days! Don't let me fall off the wagon and get dragged behind it!!!

It's been 1 week

One week since I started this plan and I got on the scale yesterday morning (even though I swore that I wasn't going to b/t doctor visits) and I had actually lost 3 more lbs so now I'm down 10 lbs. Isn't that crazy?? Ten pounds in a week! Makes up for the fact that I feel like crap and would trade my diamond tennis bracelet for breakfast at Bojangles this morning.

I'd been planning to go off this fast for my 5 day trip to Disney and then go back on it when I get home but I think instead that when I get home that I am going to step down to the "moderate fast". That program is 2 shakes/day and one real meal. I think that might be easier since I would basically have to "detox" again and I'm not sure that I could go through those first four days of hell all over again. I don't know.... guess I'll see how I feel when I get back... and how much weight that I gain when I'm gone.

Yesterday I was out and about all day and I ran out of energy so fast that I got lightheaded. I really need to clean the house and run up to Old Navy and DSW today but I'm going to do those things very slowly in the hopes that I won't make myself sick.

Sara and I got kick ass deals at the Coach outlet yesterday! She got a bag for $55, a wallet for $49 and I got a really big bag for $160. We also bought some cute new kicks at the Sketchers outlet. I thought it would be good to have a second pair of sneakers for Disney; just in case... I also got some cute sweaters at the BR outlet. Let's just hope it cools off enough soon to actually wear them.

Everyone have a great day...

Thought for the day: Best thing about this diet is that I don't have to go grocery shopping!!!

A new countdown

Only one more week of doing this and then I get a break! I leave for Disney one week from today. Can't wait! I'm feeling really good and I am hoping to lose at least another 3 lbs before I leave which will put me down 10. That's 10 lbs less to carry around Disney and it will make my energy last longer and I can enjoy more of my time there. I am really hoping that we can have enough energy to take advantage of the "magic hours" on Monday night and hang out at Magic Kingdom until 1 a.m.

The movie was easier than I thought. The popcorn smell didn't entrance me at all. It was very kind of Shawn to not get any though. That helped I'm sure! I did have to take a pee break mid-way through and climb over like 6 people. Maybe I should stop seeing movies until after I stop drinking 4 quarts of water a day!

Today I am rewarding myself by that delayed trip to the outlet malls! New Coach purse for me!!! Yay!

Do I dare a popcorn free movie??

Another big challenge possibly faces me this evening. I really, really, really want to go see "Couples Retreat" tonight- it looks so funny and it has some of my favorite actors/actresses in it. It's going to be so hard to not get popcorn. And not just to not get it to but to smell it! I feel like a pregnant woman! My sense of food smell is HIGHLY overdeveloped right now. I went over to my friend Burton's house at lunch time to bring his puppy home to him (Morris and Luna had a wild sleep over last night!) and he and his friend Antonio had sandwiches from Quiznos. Now, you and I both know that sandwiches don't really have a strong smell; it's not like garlic or BBQ! But these sandwiches, from across the room, smelled so good. I could hardly stand it! And I don't even LIKE Quiznos!! I drank my strawberry shake while I was there as a distraction but I really can't stop thinking about how much I would love a club sandwich from Jersey Mike's. So that is my concern about tonight and the popcorn. I'm worried because normal popcorn smell is tempting enough but underfed, starvation-sense-of-smell popcorn smell might cause me actual physical pain. It will be mental agony at the very least. Not sure if it's worth it; as Shawn pointed out, the movie is only rated PG-13 so how funny can it really be?

I leave for Disney World with Sara a week from tomorrow and I am most looking forward to getting breakfast at Bojangles on the way to the airport that morning. I feel like an alcoholic that tries to quit drinking and makes it through a day without one and then rewards himself with a drink. I have to stop thinking of food as my reward but honestly that is what I am doing; and how I am getting through each stage. First, it was get through 4 days and you can have chili; now it's get through the next 7 and you can have Bojangles. I can do this diet and lose all the weight possible but I'm never going to keep it off if I don't find a way to stop thinking of food as a reward. Any thoughts/suggestions??

I'll let you know tomorrow if I made it to the movie or not- and if so, if it was worth the intoxicating popcorn smell exposure.

Oh but I do have to add one more thing about yesterday; it's almost easy to stay on a diet when your life is scheduled and predictable but when your day goes to hell in a hand basket with a 5 a.m. wake up call that your friend is in a hospital, it's a lot harder to stay focused on your food regime. I'm super proud of myself for making it through yesterday and it's up and downs and complete disregard for my eating schedule. Aside from not drinking quite enough water, I did really great. I need to remember that in the weak moments; if I kept this up at the time it would easiest to mess it up, then I can keep going.

7 lbs!!!

Sorry for the late posting all... a friend of mine was in a bad car accident in the wee hours of the morning and I woke up around 5 a.m. and headed over to Wake Med. I was there off and on throughout the day, until he got released around 5 pm. Since then I've been at his house, helping him get settled. I brought his puppy home to my house, and he is having a FAN-tastic time playing with Luna! It's a good thing my downstairs neighbors aren't staying in their condo right now because they are thundering around like Marshall! (reference to Marshall's Thundering Herd)

Anyway... I made it to my doctor's appointment, a bit worse for wear but there regardless and I lost SEVEN POUNDS!!! In 4 days of dieting! Woo hoo! What a great start! I also got to eat some food like items today. I had a peanut butter and chocolate protein bar while in the ER around 7 a.m. and the chili for dinner this evening. Both were Yum-o (though I'm sure Rachael Ray would make better versions of both) but someone who hasn't used their jaw (except to chew gum and yakkety-yak), they were DIVINE!

It's very late now though so I'm off to bed. Hope to continue posting and success tomorrow!

Thanks everyone for getting me through the hardest part!!

Oh and my friend is okay! He is a true, living, breathing miracle!

I made it!!!!

It is the end of day 4 and I am so ecstatic right now! I can't believe that I have not eaten since Saturday night! I head back to the doctor's office tomorrow for weigh in, B12 shot, and food supplies. My sister also called with excellent news- she got a Coach outlet coupon in the mail! We are going to Smithfield right after work! Great way to end my 4 day detox from food! It's amazing how addicted to food that I am. I don't need it but I can't stop wanting it. I think this is the closest that I'll ever come to knowing what it feels like to be a junkie. It wasn't even this hard to quit smoking! In fact, I thought about starting smoking again this week- just to have something to distract me. Don't worry everyone; that isn't going to happen! After cleaning out the old ashtray on my deck a few weeks ago, I got grossed out thinking that's what a smoker's lungs might look like.

Bring on Day 5- I kicked this diet's ass for the last 4 days! You can't break me! I am a ROCK!!!

Day 4 is finally here!!!

Woo hoo!! Last day of all shakes!! How can this day be bad when it's the last of the bad days??? I am still woefully low on energy and snoozed until about 7:50 this morning which gave me no time to get ready for work so I am working from home instead. Thankfully I had the foresight to realize that might happen and brought all my work stuff home with me yesterday afternoon.

I was so sorry to miss the hockey game last night because our boys won in a shoot out which is always fun! But when I saw that it went to shoot out, I was even more glad that I didn't go. I would not have had the energy to stay through OT and shoot out.

Today is off to a good start, except for the energy shortage. I am not hungry at all and didn't even have my first shake until 9:30. I have to say, I much prefer making them at home with the blender. They are far less chalky that way. However, since the only dishes that I use anymore are cups and a blender, I am doing a lot of hand washing instead of using the dishwasher. Being the lazy slug that I am, I am slightly annoyed by this and by the dry skin on my hands- so much Palmolive!

I am not sleeping well because my neck and shoulders are so tight and my mom shared me with yesterday that whenever she is dieting, or trying not to eat, that the same thing happens to her. I guess my whole body is tense with lack of food. I'm going get a massage tonight which will help some. Of course, there was a whole lot of drama with making that appointment yesterday because nothing yesterday came easy for this Miss Cranky Pants! My membership had "mysteriously" expired and the girl would not explain how this happened or what that really meant and then tried to tell me that I had to sign up brand new and pay the new rates. That's when I had to tear her a new one and tell her she better find a way to renew me at my old rate since my one year was up in April and it auto-renewed at that time and her computer was smoking crack! Poor girl... poor anyone that gets in my way right now. I don't have any patience or tolerance! I hope that my mood and attitude improves or I won't have any friends left- or a job as I'm in customer service- by the time I get my goal weight!

Oh in other good news, I only took one appetite suppressant yesterday. It's amazing how my hunger has dropped off. The food cravings that I have now are just totally mental. I want things that I love the taste of, but not anything that I actually need, because I am truly not hungry. Like this morning, I was thinking how much I would love to have some tortilla chips and salsa. I would love to taste the salt and actually crunch on the chips and the spicy sweetness of salsa just sounds divine. But really, I'm not hungry and if I had them, I probably would only be able to have just a bite or two.

Can't wait to try that chili tomorrow!!!

As God as my witness, I'll never be hungry again

Thankfully I am not hungry enough to dig up a raw radish and eat it like our brave Southern Heroine Ms. Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler! I decided to skip the hockey game tonight because I'm so drained of energy. I know this is just the worst of it; in less than 48 hours I will be feeling much better.

So I'm going to stay in tonight, maybe watch 'Gone with the Wind'... or not, I don't think I can stay up that late! ;-)

By the way, for those who have commented about enjoying my blog, I am nothing compared to blog-goddess (Blogess?) Jen Lancaster! She publishes a blog AND books! Check her out at jennsylvania.com! She is awesome!

Energy sapped

Today may be tougher than I thought. I feel like I've had all the wind knocked out of me. Apparently burning 3x more calories than you consume really sucks your energy away. On the plus side I am not hungry at all and had to force myself to drink a shake at 11:30 which I hope will get me a little energy burst. I also took my appetite suppressant, hoping the caffeine in it will wire me a bit. This sucks because I felt so great at this time yesterday. I wonder if this is because the B12 injection has worn off or I am settling into how I am supposed to feel?? I'm thinking about skipping the hockey game tonight but not because of the food cravings but because I don't know that I have the energy to "Ruuu" and "woooooo" - because of course there will be goal scoring tonight by US! I refuse to believe anything else!

I guess I will make the final decision on hockey later this afternoon. Keeping my fingers crossed on the app supp!!! Give me a good burst of anxious energy please!!!

Day 3- The Temptation Awaits

I'm half way through the hardest part but tonight one of the biggest obstacles awaits me! It's hockey time in Carolina and I'm headed to game tonight with Barb and Kerri where I will be surrounded by the most intoxicating smells... And I don't mean the lockerroom! I mean the pizza, hotdogs, bbq, roast beef, french fries... If I can make it through tonight then I can make it through anything!! Short posts today because I only have blackberry access but I will post more tonight.

Hunger pains...

Taking over. This totally sucks. I would give anything for a piece of cheese.

Say "Cheese" please

I've had such a great day. Only mild, passing hunger pains. Drank all my water. I thought I would enjoy a nice diet root beer around 4 pm. This was a big mistake. I had put one in the work refrigerator after picking up a 12 pack at Target at lunch (with which to mix with vanilla shake tonight in blender for "root beer float"). When I put the can of soda in, I was very careful to leave it on the edge of the shelf so that it was very visible and I wouldn't have to look at anything else in there. However, by 4 pm, it was pushed all the way back on the top shelf and I had to reach around a pack of Sargento Colby-Jack Cheese Snacks. Since that moment, I cannot stop thinking about cheese! First of all, it's not SWEET- like everything else that I have consumed in the last 48 hours! I am already sick of sweets. I want cheese flavored shakes! Maybe salsa flavored shakes! Buffalo chicken dip flavored shakes!

I really have high hopes for the "chili" dehydrated food supplement packet that I will be allowed to eat on Thursday. I hope it's 1/10th as awesome as I am thinking that it will be. It's a rainy day too; the perfect kind of weather to make taco soup. That would be super delicious right now.

I'm not even really hungry. I just want something to chew on- something not sweet to chew on! Maybe I could get a salt lick like for deer?

Danny is going to come over at 8 so that we can watch 'How I Met Your Mother', 'Big Bang Theory' and 'Two and a Half Men'. It's our regular fall season Monday date night. It will be a wonderful distraction. I just hope there isn't too much eating on the shows. Until Danny gets here, I think I'll chew some gum, maybe have a diet coke, and watch 'Desperate Housewives' from last night.

Until my next post; guard your cheese cautiously.

Today's Sponsor: Sargento Cheese

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink

Or something like that! I've had three quarts of water, a diet coke and 2 shakes (which are mostly water) and my mouth is like the Sahara! So I keep drinking more water... And I've been peeing every 20 minutes! I'm afraid that I'm going to rub myself raw with TP! This is a rare instance where I wish I was a man because then I could just shake things dry. If I tried that, I'd probably lose my balance and crash into the bathroom stall and get a massive head injury! And the paramedics would find me with my pants down!!

Ok off to Target for more diet coke, diet root beer for suggested "root beer float" usinf vanilla shake and, most importantly, TP with aloe!!!

Day 2- No hunger pains?

So... oddly enough, I woke up today and I am not hungry at all. Did all the appetite suppressants from yesterday finally kick in? I hope it lasts once I start with the shakes.

Question of the day: If you aren't chewing anything, do you still need to floss?

The pantry is empty!

Thanks to Shawn and Barry the only things left in the house to tempt me are popsicles and sherbet. And since they don't have much more substance than the shakes, I'm really not that interested. Also they are sweet. I am already sick of sweet tasting things. Why can't one of the shakes be like tomato soup flavored? Or BBQ flavored?

I'm glad they came by- they distracted me and kept me company and left me with words of encouragement. I couldn't ask for better friends.

I just had my last shake and I'm going to go ahead and go to bed, read for a bit and hope for a good nights sleep. With only 500 calories a day, I should be exhausted and fall right to sleep.

I'm thinking tomorrow will be a bit easier because I'll have work to distract me from thinking about food. As long as no one brings food into the vicinity of my cubicle!! Also Monday night is "date night" with Danny and he always eats before he comes over so I'll have a good distraction between visiting with him and watching our Monday night shows.

Ta-ta for now... think I'll dream about eating and wake up chewing on my pillow???

End of day 1 draws near...

It's 7:47- I have had 4 of my 5 shakes. The last one about an hour ago and my stomach is cramping with hunger. I've also had 4 quarts of water today. Plus two diet cokes and a crystal light. Why is nothing filling my stomach??? These appetite suppressants are a joke!

I'm tempted by TV commercials and most pathetically, by the cat's fancy feast dinner. Who would have thought that cat food could smell so yummy???

I might just take a Tylenol PM and hope it knocks me out so that I can sleep through the hunger. After my last shake of course... have to get that 5th one in...

Just when I was thinking that I've have to take all the contents of the fridge, freezer and pantry to the dumpster... Shawn and Barry call- they are on their way over to offer moral support (and take free food and liquor). I love them so much right now!!! And Meg too who has been my biggest cheerleader!! I can get through this because I have the best friends in the world!!!

Day 1- The Fast Begins

Good afternoon diet followers...

My "full fast" kicked off this morning. I started off the day with a chocolate shake, my multi-vitamin and chromium supplement. This was around 9:45 and I was on the road headed back to Raleigh from Greensboro by about 10:15. I went to a wedding there last night and my last meal was salmon, mashed potatoes and spinach salad. If I close my eyes, I can almost taste that salmon...

At 10:30, I was already starving and passing road signs with advertisements for McDonalds and Bojangles and all these other greasy fast food places where I knew biscuits, hashbrowns and eggs awaited me. I decided that now would be a great time to take my first appetite suppressant. That went down okay... It's 3:45 and I am still waiting for it to kick in! And I get to take another one at 4. I think that they are really just placebos; I think they are just trying to make me *think* they are appetite suppressants so that I will talk myself into not being hungry. Guess what doc- my stomach knows more than my brain. I had my second shake at 12:45 and it was vanilla. Not impressed with the vanilla. So far the chocolate is the best which is strange because I'm not usually a chocolate fan. I've also had a diet coke and 1/2 of my total water intake for the day. I get to have 3 more shakes before bed and I really hope they start to take the edge off the hunger.

Oh and I chewed on of the allowed 4 pieces of sugar free gum for the day... which left me with this thought... why didn't anyone ever put into production the Willy Wonka gum that had a full six course meal worth of flavors??? I could use that right about now... even if I do end up like Violet and needing to be rolled out and punctured!

More tomorrow... I am going to go drink my next shake and take an appetite suppressant (aka mind control placebo that does not effing work!)

T Minus 2 Days

So this is my first blog... I hope it's entertaining and doesn't bore you but it's not really about you. ;-) I am starting this blog to track my progress as I start a new weight loss program; and also to have a place to vent and outlet my fears, frustrations and feelings about what I am going through.

Here's a little background for ya... I didn't have any weight problems until I was in my early twenties. And even then, it was just 10 or 20 extra pounds like the normal American. Over the last four years however, I have gained 40+ pounds. Weight has always been an "issue" though. My mom was always heavy and struggled with her food addictions while my dad became a dictator in our kitchen. He served small portions, denied us sugar and sweets and all the yummy kids treats because he didn't want us to be "fat like your mother". What did this do for me? Well, let's see, for a rebellious kid like me, it just made me want to eat tons of bad stuff so that when I wasn't under his watchful eye and ate bad foods, I felt empowered, like I was getting away with something. Great way to gain a complex, eh? You can imagine how I ate when I first moved away from home! It was not pretty! His attitude and methods also taught me that to be fat was the scariest, most horrible thing that could happen to you. Not that this is a good thing, but by becoming fat, I feel that I have proved that is not the case. At least to myself; and hopefully to him. I am still a person of value and I still have friends and happy life. It's just not as full as I want it to be... but not because of everyone else and how they view me, but because of me and my poor health and how it holds me back.

So here I am at 31; heavier than I have ever been in my life. But it took me a long time to realize that I was getting fat. Because I'd always been a relatively normal size and fairly attractive, I have a good amount of self confidence so an extra 10, 20, 30 lbs didn't stop me from standing in front of a mirror and saying "damn, I look gooood!". It's true what they say though; a picture really is worth a 1000 words because every picture that I see of myself shocks me right to the core.

That's just a little background info about my mental (and literal) extra baggage. And it's time to work through all the emotional aspects and shush my inner rebel and work toward getting healthy.

My first goal is to lose enough weight that I feel energized enough to make it to the gym three days a week for cardio and weight training. Right now, between my poor sleep (caused by this fat girl's astounding snores and minor sleep apnea) and my general lack of health; making 1 trip to the gym during the week usually wears me out for days after. I want to use this "diet" as a jump start to getting enough energy to work at being healthy.

The plan starts with what the doctor calls a "full fast". This means that I get 5 shakes a day that equal 500 calories in total. I also have to drink 4 quarts of water each day; lucky for me that only 2 quarts of it have to be actual water- the rest can be diet coke, crystal light etc. Anything without sugar or calories basically. After the first four days, I can start substituting up to two of my shakes each day for "food". I use the term food liberally here as they are prepackaged, miniature packages of oatmeal, chili, chocolate bars and "fruit drink" (wtf?? on that one!). Yes, I am scoffing at these choices now but I guarantee you, by day 2, I'll be trading my future first born for that "fruit drink"!

The "full fast" starts on Sunday. I'll be a royal bitch until probably about Thursday, when I can start using my mandible again. I could use moral support and understanding but if you want to run like hell, I'll totally understand! I go back to the doctor on Thursday morning of next week to check my progress and get more scrumptious fake foods.

I'll post again on Sunday - when the real fun starts! Until then, I have a lot of Bojangles to eat and Vodka/Tonics to drink....