Half way through January

It's official! Hell Month is almost over!! I've been snacking like I don't even believe! I never snack. I am so not a snacker but the last couple weeks at work, it's eat or yell and eating won't get me fired. Things are getting better though and I'm actually looking forward to February and changing my diet and exercise habits into good ones because honestly, I'm not even having fun eating whatever I want.

Oh and I've picked up a wicked addiction to dark chocolate bars. Dear cashiers at Trader Joe's: please do not let me out of the store with more of your chocolate bars!!

I'm off to MD this weekend for "nephew" Cole's 2nd birthday and to meet his little brother Aidan who was born six months ago and who I *still* haven't gotten to squeeze. And I'm also looking forward to seeing my best friend and her fabulous hubby and of course Crystal and Belle and Amy and Brileigh. I'm so lucky to have been absorbed into the Wilson/Bass family!! Hey, you impose on people for 20+ years and they have to let you in ;-)

Hope to have more interesting news to share sometime soon

The first day of the rest of... well the year

Happy New Year! I had abandoned this blog for a couple of months for a couple of reasons but I have decided to give it another try after some encouragement from very supportive friends.

So my extreme dieting turned out to be too tough... it felt like I was a social pariah. I couldn't go anywhere, I couldn't do anything because I couldn't eat or drink. The new challenge for 2010: balance. I need to get healthy but I also need to maintain a balance in my life and my friends and my family, work, food, exercise; these are all things that I need to prioritize and figure out a way to make work.

This month is going to be a challenge for me because while it is a new year and I want so much to get on the resolution band wagon, it is the most terrible, stressful work time of the whole year. I'm working about 50 hours a week and feel brain dead and drained of energy when I get home every night. I don't want to cook and I certainly do not want to exercise; all I want to do is lay on the couch and turn off my brain. While it's not even close to easy, I am to really make an effort to limit the fast food this month which really becomes such an easy dining option when you are so fried every day. I think that will help me feel like I'm not a total lost cause to nutrition. My YMCA membership expires at the end of the month and I think that instead of renewing it that I might join Gold's because it's a lot closer- as well as cheaper. I really like the environment of the Y though- the gym scares me because I have this preconceived notion that it's full of meat heads, skinny girls with big fake boobs and the most judgmental people that society will tolerate. I've seriously got to get over this strong dislike of the gym. I'm going to work on it...

In the next month, it's all about baby steps but if anyone is bored in the evening and wants to maybe join me for a walk, I could go for that...

Thanks again to everyone who has been so supportive of me. I like writing this blog; it's strange how in the journaling process you can see patterns in your thoughts and behavior and really learn about yourself. Maybe that's why shrinks recommend it!

Barry and Andi, thank you so much for your support! The blog is back- and everyone has you two to blame! ;-) Much love to you both!!!

Happy New Year to all!!

I'm baaaack

Sorry I've been MIA guys... been a crazy week and a half! Last Wednesday, while I was in my doctor's appointment, discussing the switch to the modified fast, my sister Jaimie was having her 38 week doctor's appointment with her OB. Turns out her blood pressure had sky rocketed over the week after her last appointment and she had preeclampsia. She was transferred over to the birth center at Rex for testing and observation but less than two hours later, they had decided to induce labor. The rest of my Wednesday and also Thursday were spent at the hospital waiting for the arrival of Miss Allison Charlotte Francis. They ended up having to take the baby by c-section at 8:30 on November 5. She weighed 5 lbs and 14 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Jaimie suffered some complications post delivery and had to stay in the hospital a little longer than normal but was released on Monday evening. Ever since Wednesday, I've been only back and forth between the hospital, work, home, Jaimie's house. I've been eating whatever, whenever; no concern about calories or anything. And I'll be honest, it has been mostly fast food.

Now that things are slowing down some, I am going to get some grocery shopping done tomorrow and prepare to start the "modified fast" on Monday. Basically, it's 2 shakes (or 1 shake and 1 food supplement), 3 cups of vegetables, and 6-7 oz of protein. There is a whole list of approved proteins and vegetables. Also, there is this soup recipe that I can make and I can have as much of it whenever I want so that should help some with the cravings.

So that's where I've been and I should be posting more regularly from now on...

Hope all is well!

Cheers!

The Sound of Silence

Silence. Yes, that's what this blog has heard from me in the last week. The sound of failure is the sound of silence. I keep falling and cheating. I have been really low on willpower. I am supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow (rescheduled from Monday) and I'm sure that if I have lost ANYTHING, it's maybe 1 or 2 lbs since before I left for Disney. I'm struggling with the fact that all social gatherings revolve around food, that I am sick of not being albe to just eat when I feel like eating, sick of not being allowed real food, frustrated that I can't enjoy the 3 bottles of wine that I brought back from FAWF... and that has all kind of built up and made me rebellious and defiant about the diet. Not good. So... what am I going to do about it?

I'm going to ask the doctor to switch me to modified fast tomorrow. It's going to be more challenging in some ways, the weight loss will be slower but I think it's the only way I am going to be able to have real food every day and not beat myself up for it.

I also start therapy on Friday. I've got to start dealing with my mental issues surrounding food, weight, etc.

I hope those changes, combined with a surge of will power (which I will muster up!!!) that I should be able to be more successful.

Ta ta for now... I'll post after my weigh-in tomorrow morning.

Starting on Monday....

It's been a rough few days, which is why I have not posted. I have been very ill with the flu and if I still have a fever tomorrow, then I am going to the doctor. I am going to try like hell to make it into the office tomorrow mainly because I am sick of being in my house. I fell off the wagon mid-day Friday because I was so sick and exhausted. My logic being that 500 calories was no way to get well. I haven't had much of an appetite but I did eat some comfort foods and I had some soup and OJ, which I firmly believe to be key to getting well. I am feeling a little bit better though and I am bound and determined to start fresh tomorrow and fast for the next couple of weeks.

I'll let you know tomorrow if I have H1N1! In the meantime, please enjoy my favorite dieter's poem written by Judith Viorst

"Starting on Monday"

Starting on Monday I'm living on carrots and bouillon.

Starting on Monday I am bidding the bagel adieu.

I'm switching from Hersheys with almonds to guant and anemic,

And people will ask me could that skinny person be you.

I'll count every calorie from squash (half a cup, 47)

To Life Saver (8), stalk of celery (5), pepper ring (2),

Starting on Monday.

Starting on Monday I'll jog for a mile in the morning.

(That's after the sit-ups and push-ups and touching my toes.)

The gratification that I once used to see in lasagna

I'll find on the day that I have to go buy smaller clothes.

I'll turn my attention from infantile pleasures like Clark Bars

To things like the song of a bird and the scent of a rose,

Starting on Monday.

Starting on Monday my will be stronger than brownies,

And anything more than an unsalted egg will seem crude.

My inner-thigh fat and my upper-arm flab will diminish.

My cheeks will be hollowed, my ribs will begin to protrude.

The bones of my pelvis will make their initial appearance-

A testament to my relentless abstention from food,

Starting on Monday.

But Tuesday a friend came for coffee and brought homemade muffins.

And Wednesday I had to quit jogging because of my back.

On Thursday I read in the paper an excess of egg yolk

Would clog up my vessels and certainly cause an attack.

On Friday we ate at the Goldfarbs. She always makes cream sauce,

And always gets sulky if people don't eat what she makes.

On Saturday evening we went with the kids to a drive-in.

I begged for a Fresca but all they were selling were shakes.

On Sunday my stomach oozed over the top of my waist band,

And filled with self-loathing, I sought consolation in pie

And the thought that Onassis could bribe me with yachts and with emeralds

But still I'd refuse to taste even a single French fry....

Starting on Monday.

Obviously, that is circa the late 60's- in fact my autographed copy is dated 1971 but even though the diet foods have changed, the eternal struggle to diet has not!

Update- it was water weight!

Lost the 2 lbs that I was showing on the scale yesterday! Which means it was water weight and that I didn't gain anything back on vacation! Yay!

Left a message for the doctor though; think this might be swine flu.

Urine or your out!

Man guys- back on day 1 of this round and I forgot how much I have to pee! I think I have used an entire roll of TP today!! And I'm starving! It's like starting the first day all over again. The good thing about being sick is that I don't have the energy to get up and feed myself so I'm overcoming the temptation. Yes, folks, that's right, after 5 perfect days in WDW, I am sick with a bad cough and fever. I worked from home today and will again tomorrow so as to not pollute my co-workers. That means I get to use the actual blender to make my shakes which is much better than using that stupid $10 hand mixer (aka a cup that you shake) that they sold me at the doctor's office.

So food wise on my Disney trip, I think I did okay. I had some fried foods and a philly cheesesteak which I had been craving badly but with all the walking, it appears that I only gained back 2 lbs and I think that's water weight because my fingers were all fish-stick like after the plane ride. I also didn't drink nearly enough water because it was like $3/bottle! I also fell in love with a new wine (thank you Food & Wine Festival) and brought home 3 (signed by the owner of the vineyard) bottles- that I can't drink!! Way to torture myself huh??

All in all; feeling good about how I did on the trip. The food didn't even seem to taste as great as I remembered it. Maybe I won't miss it so much this time around.

Thanks everyone for your support!! If I can make it through today, I can make it through tomorrow. And, as Andi says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!"

Gotta go pee... AGAIN